I am a strong, and wildly independent woman. I can climb any mountain and ford any stream on my own. I can rotate a tire, do my taxes, and have time to cook a Sunday dinner. I have a full time job, and still manage to look #flawless.
Men admire this. Men want this. (And by “this”, I mean “me”). But, holding a relationship has never been easy for me.
My trust issues lie so deep within my soul, that I can barely graze them. The first man who was meant to love me unconditionally and forever left me. My father.
As an adult, I can no longer blame my parents for my shortcomings. But, I can acknowledge the deep scars that are left in the aftermath.
I am so afraid that my partner will leave inexplicably. Obviously, my father’s departure had little to do with me and as a grown ass woman, I can understand this.
But deep inside, there is a little girl who aches with the thought that it’s her fault; and desperately wants to fix it. I never fully understood my father’s departure, so, to me, it was sudden and terribly abrupt.
It was as if, my dad woke up one morning and decided that he didn’t like our family. I am terrified of my lover doing that to me.
“Whatever, leave, it’s no big deal”. When fights happen, my go-to move is to leave. I never want anyone to see that I was emotionally invested.
Actually, I never want to admit to myself that I was invested. I have seen failed relationships and I’d rather come out on the “winning side”. I’d rather leave knowing that I wasn’t the one hurt.
The Great Wall of China guards my heart. Dating me won’t be easy. I am a sort of “ice princess”. I know that I’m difficult. I know that I can’t handle “mush”; but it’s because I’m scared.
I want to love, trust me- I do. I just have a very hard time letting my guard down.
I shy away from “love-y dove-y” shit because I’m afraid to let you in. I’m afraid that once I give my heart over, you will just take it and run.
What do I do on my wedding day? As a fully independent woman, walking alone has never scared or phased me. But, there was one walk I always anticipated having with my father- the walk down the aisle.
My grandfather is the best- my brother; amazing- and my mother… a God send in every sense. But… a little girl dreams of their father taking them on that journey.
I know, that that won’t happen. And it makes me sad.
I’m scared for my children. When I find that love that I marry and we have our first baby girl- I am already jealous of her.
The man I marry (and FINALLY) let into my heart will, with no doubt, be an amazing father. I am TERRIFIED that I will be jealous of their relationship.
I don’t mean this is in a negative or self-absorbed way, but I am so afraid that seeing my daughter and husband together will bring back the pains of my childhood.
In honesty, all I want is a family. I want a husband to love and kids to spoil. I want a puppy to yell at and bills to curse. I want a leaking sink to fix and bedtimes to negotiate. You just won’t hear me say this- and definitely not before you do.
I will find my forever. I will have these loves. I just need a partner who is strong and patient enough to wait it out for me.
Under these scars is a heart that wants to beat- it just needs to be pumped a bit.