When we’re single, we’ve all reached the point where friends and family want to “set you up with someone.” Usually, it’s someone you’ve never met before–like a co-worker’s son, or a long-lost family friend.
No matter how many times you try to get out of it, you end up being set up on a blind date–and, the fate of your night lies in the hands of the universe. Blind dates can go one of three ways–they can be great and there’s a connection, they can be great but there’s no connection, or, they can be the worst night of your entire life. Reddit users are sharing their worst blind date experiences and it’ll make you swear off blind dates forever.
I got set up with the daughter of one of my parents’ friends. I wasn’t really looking forward to it, but I was on break from college, and she apparently went to school not far from me, so it wasn’t like a lost-cause summer romance type thing. They showed me pictures and said nice things about her.
I picked her up from her parent’s place (we were both home for the summer) and was a little surprised by how pretty she was; the pictures had been from when she was in high school, and didn’t do her justice. The date was dinner and a movie. Dinner went really well; we had a lot in common, she was very grounded and down-to-earth, cared about the environment. If I have a type, she was it.
So as we’re walking to the movie theater, I slipped my arm around her waist. She pushed me away and got all serious. “I’m really sorry, because you seem like a nice guy, but … I’m a lesbian. I just went out with you to make my parents happy.”
Sitting through The Chronicles of Narnia with her was the most awkward two hours of my life.
I once went on a date with a girl and this is how the conversation went.
Her: “So whats your favorite book?” Me: “Tough, but when I was little I LOVED Jurassic Park” Her: “Yuck, Jurassic Park” Me: “The book or the movie? EVERYBODY loves Jurassic PARK!” Her: “I don’t believe in dinosaurs” Me: “Fossils?!??!??!” Her: “I don’t want to get into it but I think fossils are bullshit”
I ended the conversation there and held onto the night. Until later on she told me, “I don’t believe in outer space” and my head fucking exploded.
I wasn’t feeling great, but decided to meet anyway. We met at a Belgian beer bar. She was gorgeous, fun, and totally in to me. I felt a gas pain, so I leaned forward slightly to quietly relieve the pressure. I completely and explosively shat myself. The odor was immediate. I excused myself to the bathroom, but the damage was too great. I walked out of the bathroom, muddy-panted, out of the bar, and boarded the train for home.
The date was nothing, compared to the horror of the following three weeks, recovering from E-coli.
I was set up by a friend when I was 16. He took me to the movies (at the mall) and awkwardly tried to makeout. Then we sat in the food court and he asked my honest opinion of him, which I mumbled something typical like “you seem nice.” Without invitation he then delved into what he thought of me, which was attractive but could be really hot if I lost 5-10lbs. Then he left me for a bit, which was weird, and returned with a lovely gift . . . a creepy puppet.
I chatted a girl up online for about a week or so, and things went pretty well, so we decided to meet up. I asked her out for dinner, and said that if things went alright we’d go grab a drink.
Let’s just say her photo didn’t match her appearance. Her excuse was that she had a crazy ex that was stalking her, so she used her sister’s photo and name. HER NAME!!! SHE LIED ABOUT HER NAME! Anyway, come to find out through our “interview” that she was an only child. She didn’t catch her slip up, but I sure did. She rambled on and on and on about crap I really couldn’t have cared less about.
Then came the food. The waitress may as well have brought it out in a trough, as this woman didn’t use her utensils. Did I mention we were at a steak restaurant? That’s right folks, she picked her steak up and ate it with her hands. Let’s not even get into the potatoes. It was the worst date of my life.
Here was this fat, disgusting, uninteresting “thing” with no table manners, devouring her food in front of me. I couldn’t eat my meal. I told her I wasn’t feeling well and that I was just going to get my food in a box to go and I’d eat it later if I felt better. Her response: “Would you mind if I ate it?”
You would think this person hadn’t eaten in a week, as she proceeded to devour my dinner as well. She ate both steaks, both sets of mashed potatoes, all the bread, everything.
The waitress comes over and says “Goodness. When is your due date?” So she says that she is due in 2 months. WTF?!?!? First off, I couldn’t believe the waitress asked then, but then was floored at the girl’s response. Unbelievable.
Being the gentleman that I am, I picked up the check because hey, it wasn’t going to pay itself, and I’d much rather fit the bill for dinner than go to jail. I kindly said it was “nice to meet you” got in my car and went to the bar.
She followed me. She followed me to the bar, and when I got out of my car proceeded to berate me over why I was going out instead of going home. Now she’s calling me a liar in the parking lot of the bar I frequent, and my work buddies are starting to roll in. I never heard the end of it. I said to hell with this crap, got in my car, and drove the hell home.
I met a couple through a mutual friend and we hang out for a bit one night, have a decent time. I spend a couple days afterward texting back and forth with the wife of the couple, thinking hey, new friend. She eventually starts talking up this friend of hers, Gary, and it is clear she wants to set us up on a date. Okay, I think, I’m newly single again after 5 years of bad relationship, we’ll see how this goes. She describes him as “football player build” – not being a sports person, does not occur to me I should have asked her to clarify (would he be a quarterback or lineman, for instance).
Anyhow, I meet Gary for coffee downtown. Suffice it to say he is a substantial man. But I think hey, I’m not perfect either, I’ll give him a shot. We have an okay time over coffee, talking about regular random small talk topics. He walks me back to my place, but the night is still young and he suggests hanging out and watching some Futurama. So I invite him up. As soon as we are sitting down, he starts talking about his ex and all the drama she brought into his life, and it slowly comes to light that they may not be actually broken up, he is just “seeing what else is out there.” Hrm. At this point I’m more than over the date and am ready for him to get out of my apartment – so I go to the restroom and plan on feigning illness upon my return.
Turns out he gave me an even better excuse to give him the heave-ho: I return from the bathroom only to find him on my couch, masturbating furiously. I freak out, ask him what he is doing, and he says “What does it look like?” and makes a motion for me to come join him. I was kind of at a loss at this point and I think all I did was say something about how he needs to leave – he removes his hand from inside his pants (did I mention he was wearing sweat pants? ick), shrugs, and exits. I never heard from him OR the woman who introduced me to him again.
Once went on a date with a guy from work (bad idea) who took me to Dave and Busters, for one (an arcade, for those who dont know…). During the meal, he said all of the following:
I have a short attention span and cant date a single girl for over 3 months.
I want to become a professional video game player.
I want to train to be a professional eater.
I dont want to work a day in my life. I just want to play paintball.
He was 23 years old, and I was 20. Even I knew this was childish nonsense. Later on at the movie, he asked if i would pay for our tickets because he ran out of money on our $25 dinner at the arcade.
I’ve only been on one real blind date. I met someone online we began chatting every few days, just kind of getting to know each other, or so I thought. She said she had just moved to the area, was staying with an old family friend but didn’t really know many people, so I suggested we go out to this little hookah bar that was about halfway between our respective places.
Eight p.m. rolls around and I pull up in front of her place, a townhouse in a nice neighborhood that happened to be a few blocks from where an old friend used to live. She was already waiting outside, which struck me as odd, but I figured maybe she felt like a smoke before leaving. She looked exactly like she did in her pictures – about 5′ 8″, maybe 120 lbs, long (dyed) blond hair, a few facial piercings. Not exactly my type, but not bad to look at either.
I get out, introduce myself and open the door for her and we’re off. Turns out we have similar taste in music, so the ride over to the bar was pleasant enough. I hadn’t been there in years, and was unaware they had hired a DJ to spin on Friday nights. You could barely hear a thing inside, so we chose to sit out on the tiny patio. We order drinks, she choose a sisha flavor and we continue chatting.
This, my friends, is where things begin to go downhill. She asked about my profession (reporter), so naturally I asked about hers, to which she replied “I’ve had the same job for about 3 years. Taking care of my kids.”
Children. This was an interesting development in that she had never mentioned being a mother in our previous conversations, nor did her figure seem to indicate that she was a mother of two, spaced just 2 years apart. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind kids, but at the same time I’m not looking to get involved in a relationship with someone who already has children. Just a little young for that.
Having broached that particular subject, she begins to tell me, at length, about the father. Abusive, never around, with drug problem she apparently shared. I’ve smoked weed before, and tried my fair share of psychedelics, but these were hard drugs she was talking about. Things continue to spiral south, and I quickly realize that this particular individual is likely suffering from some serious mental/relationship issues. We finish our drinks and head back to my car, when she drops the line that sends me running for the hills.
“I’m not gonna sleep with you tonight, but I’ll probably get drunk and fuck you sometime soon.”
I’m now officially ready to put an end to this travesty of a date, but having never had any experience with blind dates was not entirely sure how to go about wrapping things up. It’s still fairly early, maybe 10 p.m. or so, and she is making it clear she would like to continue the evening. I’m racking my brain trying to figure something out, when it hits me: The Twins.
The Twins were an interesting pair, either the cheeriest individuals you could ever hope to meet or at each others’ throats, depending on when you happened to run into them. They liked to party and had a small house across town that I tended to frequent. I hadn’t been to their place in a bit, so I gave them a ring and asked if I could bring someone over. Thankfully they were in an amicable mood and invited us both over.
Now I’d mentioned I hadn’t been to The Twins place in some time, so the fact that they had acquired a new roommate who was sleeping in the unfinished basement. We arrive, and one of The Twins suggests giving her the grand tour. Eventually we make our way to the basement, when lo and behold, another one of her apparently numerous ex’s is stretched out across a bare mattress on the floor.
This is the moment I knew I was saved: Before the guy even has a chance to get up, she dashes across the room, throws herself on the bed and starts hugging him, saying how much she missed him. My friend gives me a look of concern, being currently unaware that the chick is batshit crazy. I grin and whispered under my breath, “good, she’s his problem now.”
The first words out of her mouth were “I just want you to know, I really hate patriarchy.”
Not even a hello to start.
It’s not really a blind date because i had met her on the bus i rode home from work. We went out to eat at City Walk and had a somewhat interesting conversation….turns out she wasn’t even close to being the same person she was when we spoke on the bus, anyway at some point while we’re walking through the throngs of people, the police come right up to her and arrest her for shoplifting. I went home alone and never saw or spoke to her again.